Please stop

by Line

I have decided to stay. There’s nothing you can do about it. When I tell you I don’t know what to do and ask for advice, I don’t want to hear “Come back home, we miss you” or “You can always get a job and save up here, and then go travel”. I want you to give me a push, I want you to make me put up the posters so I can start teaching English to kids here. I want you to tell me there’s nothing to fear and that you know as well as I do that I can do this without problems. That I’ll be good at it. That I’ll get an experience. That if I go home now, I’ll always regret not staying to see if it works out or not. Because I know as well as you do, that if I ever want to come back home, I can buy a ticket and go – and my room will be waiting for me together with you. If I don’t do this now, will I ever get the opportunity to do it again? You make it harder for me, you give me the feeling of doing something wrong, of not deserving what life gives me right now. You make me feel guilty of wanting something that will keep me away from you, but at the same time it’s something that might give me the time of my life.

I want to do this, I really do. I love working with kids, I love languages, I love a good challenge when I get one I can handle. I want to live now, I don’t want to end up back home working evenings and weekends while you go to school during the day and I feel like in the end, it wouldn’t matter where I was. Why do you pretend to know what I want, how I feel like and what would be best for me? I want this. I just need someone to throw me out in it, to tell me it’s gonna be okay. To give me the last push I need, to make me go into this eyes and mind widely open for everything that will come out of it. I want you to make me do that last thing so I end up at point of no return. I want you to put the posters up for me! Then I would have no way of going back, I’m not that type of person who go back on something I’ve promised, and if I promise someone English-classes, I’ll sure damn give it to them.