by Line

I’ve always wondered why I think so much all of the time. Why I never seem to be happy with what I have in the moment. Why I always find something wrong with myself and how I act around other people. Yesterday I was reading my own diary, and I realized – I did change. It was weird to read how unsatisfied I was with my self, how I wanted to move far away and “find my self”, and then think about that that’s exactly what I did. I found myself living in a family I never had met before in Madrid. I was sitting on the bus back home from work smiling for no reason because I was happy. I was working, living on my own and actually had time to think about what I am doing and why. The day before I left, my “mom” gave me an offer – if I want I can come back and work for her, be the person who organizes groups on excursions and maybe teach something if I want to. I have a feeling that’s why I feel stuck right now. I have to live at home to be able to pay off my loan, and everybody is living their life in a direction. Maybe I’m a bit angry at myself for getting that loan in the first place, if it weren’t for that I would be in Madrid right now, helping starting up a school for people who want to learn Spanish in a week and experience as much as possible of what Spain has to offer. If I want when the time comes, I can return after I’ve payed the loan and do the work then, but I have to admit that waiting until May seems like an awfully long time.

Have you ever heard about the saying “feeling lonely in a crowd”? I’m not sure why, but that’s exactly what I’m feeling right now. Because I have changed while living far away from my loved ones, they don’t know my exact way of thinking anymore, and that makes it harder. Of course, things can be explained, but it’s not everything you want to explain all over again at all times. It would be nice to have someone around who knew what happened the day I almost ran away and didn’t show up before the morning after, it would be nice to know if someone knew what happened that night in Málaga, and the reason why it happened. It would be nice to have someone like Laurence here, who knew what I wrote in my diary when my head was at it’s worst, and it would be fantastic if others than Isabel knew why I woke up in the middle of the day that day, shaking and crying without knowing what was wrong. If they knew all this, they also would have know why Madrid was so good for me. How I got time to think about, and understand, why things happened like they did – and most important; how I came to peace with it. How it helped me change my ways of thinking, how it made me grow and feel like the person I, one year ago, wanted to be but struggled being. It’s explainable, but even though I have accepted that it’s a part of my past I have to live with, it’s not something I find easy talking to others about, especially when they don’t know exactly what happened.

Now don’t get me wrong, this is not a post to tell you how sad I am or how hard my life is, because it’s not. For the first time in a long while I can be happy and smile to myself more than two days in a row, I smile more to others and I laugh more, and it’s showing. For the first time in my life people give me more compliments than ever on how great I look, and I know it’s because I feel so good inside! They say it’s called “to shine” and I shine more than ever and it’s great. So, this post is not to make you pity me, it’s a way for me to make you understand that I have bad days too, and when I do, I can’t stop thinking about how much I miss Laurence, how I miss being on top of my life aiming for a goal and not being able to stop smiling on the bus. I have talked about challenges before, and right now I’ve taken on a new one – I’m gonna make boring living-at-home life just as adventurous as living and working far away from everything I know. I’m gonna step into that crowd, and I’m gonna be great at it!