Life is upside-down

by Line

This is written mostly for myself, feel free to analyze the way you want.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to my self. Like a clone, maybe. Not hearing my own voice in my head all the time, but having an other me in front of me, saying all the right things at the right time. To comfort myself, to give me strength to be strong. Unfortunately it’s not like that at all. I have my own voice in my head all the time, saying all the wrong things at the wrong time. Trying to comfort everyone else if I see them struggle. If I struggle, well. Then that’s my problem, right? It’s nothing I feel like I should bother you with, and you probably won’t say the right thing the second time I talk to you, if you didn’t the first time. I’ll probably make your life worse if you have to worry about me all the time, because being perfectly honest is a scary thought.

But when the damage has already happened, should I keep on being honest? Should I tell you that I try to be strong for you? That I would like you to ask me how I really feel, and that I want you to understand even if I don’t dare being as honest as I probably should? Or maybe I should just stop, master my own struggles. I’m getting really good at that actually, so I don’t see my own problems as huge as I used to. It’s just.. Giving you a problem is still my biggest issue.

Luckily I have friends that understand, that don’t mind having a coffee and talk so I can forget how bad I feel for a while. Right now I want to sleep forever, and be woken up by a prince just like Sleeping Beauty. The thoughts won’t go away though, and even though I know with all my body that I will be okay, I can’t stop thinking about how it is for you. How I can make you feel better and how I can be sure that you will be okay too. That’s the worst in all this, your feelings.

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