Tired of it all
I’m tired of lying, pretending and making up stories. But because of you, I will keep my mouth shut. So I am channeling all my sadness, my guilt and my feeling of unfairness in to anger. I’m angry at the world for giving me the choices, I’m angry at you because you didn’t let me go when I asked you to. I’m angry at myself for being stupid and reckless with my own heart. For not taking care of me the way I should have. For caring too much about others. For trying to be strong for everyone. And still, I choose to keep it inside, because of you. I made a promise to be there for you all the time, whenever, and I’m not one who breaks promises. I hate myself because of that.
So here I am, angry at everything. Scared to walk out my own front door in case I say something mean to someone that I didn’t really mean. Scared to do something I’ll later regret. I go to work though, I force through a smile, I pretend I’m oh-kaaay, I go home and I sleep. Days off, I sleep. Shutting the world out. Being mad, angry, pissed off, making a stone face. Is it really better than crying? Who knows.
In 27 days I’m leaving for Canada, and I am so glad I chose to be away for three whole weeks. 21 days with “the sister I never had”, no work, no obligations, no one to lie to. Pure joy. Oh, I can’t wait! In the meantime I’m gonna work, sleep, try to get my hair done and that hour of massage, try to think about myself and my well-being, and make happy moments out of thin air.