Preggers or just fat?

by Line

Okay, so I have a confession to give. Lately I’ve been staying up late, even though I know it takes away a lot of my energy. It’s not because I am not tired, I am purposely keeping myself awake. Partly because it’s the only time of day when I know nobody won’t come knocking on my door asking me how I am, but primarily because I know that if I stay awake long enough, the baby will start to move. I like knowing that he’s in there and okay, and the other day he pushed back when I pushed to see if he was awake. It felt so good, and I just smiled. I want to feel that again, but it doesn’t happen that often, not yet anyways.

Why don’t I lay down in the middle of the day, trying to see if he’s awake? Well, I think it’s still too personal. It’s just him and me, and I don’t want anyone to take that away from me. It’s not rational at all, but I don’t want anyone to – what’s the best explaining word, intrude? I am still not comfortable with my body, actually I don’t like it that much at all right now. When people touch it and talk about it (“it” being my growing stomach), I feel uncomfortable. It’s something else if you don’t talk about it and I feel fine asking you to feel when he is kicking, but when people just out of a sudden say hello and start touching my stomach.. I just don’t like it. Would you like it if I randomly came up to you and started to rub your belly while commenting on how much I liked it? Didn’t think so. If you do, you’re just plain weird.

Maybe it’s because I still have epiphanies (correct spelling there?) where I suddenly realize that “hey, I’m pregnant on the outside too!”, and that the people around me knows it and can see it. To me I am mostly pregnant on the inside, and just lumpy going on fat on the outside. Maybe that’s why I am waiting for a proper pregnant belly too, so that I won’t mind people commenting and touching. For now, I don’t like it though, it kinda makes me feel bigger and sad. Just telling you in case you meet me – please don’t randomly touch my belly and say that you love it. At least ask first?