Oh holy messed up shit
I am so tired. Physically exhausted. I just want to do my duties and disappear. I am tired of my mind constantly telling me how I can never go back, never run away. Tired of thinking that I would be better of somewhere else, far away from everyone who cares. Tired of wishing that no one would notice if I fell of the earth. It doesn’t hit as depression and sad days, now it has totally turned and the only thing I express is anger. Anger towards everything and everyone.
Like some messed up stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In some weird order that I can’t explain, but all the thoughts are there: This is not happening to me. Why me? It’s not fair. I’ll do anything for this to go away. I’m going to die anyways, so what’s the point? And on good days the last one shows up too: I can’t fight it so I might as well prepare for it.
For now I’m just stuck with anger, and I have been stuck here for about a week. I can’t even see the end of it coming. On top of that I feel guilty for thinking like I do. The best baby will be born in four months and I am thinking about running away? How screwed up is that, really. Someone fix my mind, and do it fast.
P.S.: Laurence, I am almost out of M&M’s!