Survival mode; bitch

by Line

I would be lying if I were to say that I haven’t been crying every night these last couple of days, but I would be lying if I said the last days have been horrible too. Even though I didn’t want to or felt like I had the strength to, I have been dragging my sorry ass out of my apartment and I’ve been with fun and nice people. Not because I wanted to, I feel more okay with staying in, crying and watching TV-series all day, but because I know that it will keep the worst depressing thoughts away. Occupying my mind with positive people that make me laugh, and that it’s easy to keep a mask on while with them. Drying tears away when the doorbell rings and suppressing the bad feelings for a while.

You see, I have to become stronger and more egoistic to survive this mess, I have to think  solely about myself and my son, and how we can have the best life possible. That means that I have to become a cynical bitch with no feelings towards others, and I don’t like it at all. But I have to, I need to survive too. And the truth is, I can’t survive if I don’t have an income, and after crying for an hour at the social services office without getting any sympathy, I figured I need to grow a thick skin and not do what I want because I want others to be happy. I need to be a good mom, which means survive first, be happy second (the little cute prince deserves a happy mommy that can provide what he wants) and care about others last.

I don’t know if it’s my mind that have totally shut down or what’s happening, I am changing into a horrible person that I don’t like, but what else is there to do? A girl has to eat, right? And I don’t see any other solution. So that’s how it’s got to be, cold – cynical – bitch.