I can do anything I want
After a few days with a lot of anger and, I won’t lie, more tears than normal, I think some of the worst has passed. Just allowing myself to be really angry and sad helped a lot more than I had thought, and even though that certain someone (mentioned as the reason for all this anger) still hasn’t learned what “don’t contact me, I need some time” means, I don’t get that mad when he texts anymore. I simply don’t care, ignore it and move on with my day. (This is not entirely true, I have complained so much about this to my mother these last couple of days, I think she now has a giant hole in her head. But still).
Actually, I think today was the first day that I felt really calm about the whole thing, like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I have finally made a choice, and as said I will go through with it a 110%, no matter what happens. I am sure it will have it’s ups and downs, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I suddenly got a relapse, but it’s just something about that fog and uncertainness that disappeared from the inside of my sometimes way too thick skull. I feel like the master of my own life again, and that feels good.
It’s most certainly the way it should be all the time, and after reading my way through this amazing blog and idea last night, I was once again inspired to do so much stuff with my life. I should spend more time doing what I really want to do, and not just think about it. I should continue planning a life full of adventure even though there’s a baby on the way – it just needs to be reconsidered and somewhat changed to work out properly. It does not mean I can’t do it.
Why did I stop thinking I can do everything I want? Because I know that somehow along the road in denial leading to today, I lost that way of thinking. I got stuck in something I didn’t want to be stuck in. So now, I will dig my way out of it again, because I – I can do anything I want.