Lately I’ve been grumpy

by Line

When I write, it usually has something to do with my feelings. It is easier for me to write out my thoughts about different subjects, than writing about daily life. Lately I’ve been struggling with what I choose to call an eating disorder, in its own way, and it has been hard for me to realize that this has been a real issue and not something my mind has made up. Because of this I have been grumpy, angry, sad and depressed – and most of all scared. I have been isolating myself, trying my best to keep strong so that no one would understand that I have “failed” and “let all of you down”. I feel ashamed, because I thought and wished I was stronger than this, but when I started to tell a few people, the certainty of others worrying helped me head in a different direction, and now I believe everything is on its way to be better. It is not okay yet, and it’s going to take a lot of strength and willpower to be healthy again, but I want to do it.

I don’t want to think about food and meals every hour of the day, and I don’t want to feel fat when I know I’m thin enough. I don’t want to be depressed because I’m hungry, and I don’t want to shut other people out and be mad at them. I want to be happy, healthy and glad that I have this life – and I want to be the mother Kasper deserves.

I want to write more posts, but for now I can’t promise anything because I need to have all my focus on making good routines when it comes to breakfast, lunch and dinner. It is getting more and more difficult to let Kasper be with his dad those days a week, but I know that I need that time for myself to make real dinners and making sure I have the energy to be around and do my duties when needed to. And of course, I love that Kasper has such a nice dad and are able to get to know him that well from an early age :)