It is hard being honest to myself sometimes, and I know I’ve been postponing this – but here is the post I wrote that I told you about. I am better now, but it takes a lot of focus and strength to actually get better, and I still go around all day trying to make it as easy as possible to eat as much as I need to. I am still afraid of a relapse, but until further notice I’m good. I haven’t read this myself since I wrote it because it’s too painful, but I believe it would do good to post it anyway. If not for you, then for me.
Sometimes, it’s really hard to remember who I am, and to accept it. To understand that even though I have a baby now, I still come first when it comes to certain things. If I struggle, it won’t do him any good. Sometimes, it’s hard to remember the small things that can make my day better, and it seems impossible to understand that it’s okay to have bad days.
The other day I got a “flash of the future” and I panicked, mildly put. I saw myself rot to nothing but skin and bones, fainting and hitting my head, just laying there while Kasper screamed. I saw myself being admitted, talking to Robin about how to best make an arrangement so he could see his son as often as usual, even though I was in the hospital. I saw what could be, because the truth is.. I struggle.
I thought I had it under control, that it was getting better and that everything was going to be okay. I thought my body could run on two slices of bread a day forever. How stupid..
I had to google it, to face it. What I found out was not fun, and some of you might not even believe me, but I have come to the conclusion that I might have a-typical anorexia. Or at least I’m speeding in that direction. “How, what, when, where – you?”. Yes, me. I have to be honest to myself, to you, and to Kasper. You all deserve it. As I read on, I started to wonder why nobody had some alarms sound, because the signs has been there for a while. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not trying to put all this on you, it’s solely my own fault that it has gone this far, but still..
First of all I have been trying to tell people that I don’t eat as much as I should. Because I don’t. So far I’ve only met “oh, but you have to eat, Line!”, “it’s only food!”, “you’ll be okay”. Second of all, my now new (and probably totally wrong, you judge) conclusion got me to other warning signs that can come because of an eating disorder; trouble sleeping, being cold, feeling sick after only a small handful of food, dizziness, lack of energy (obviously), mood-swings. I look in the mirror way too often, staring at what I believe is a body that is too fat. I want to weigh myself everyday, to see if I’ve lost some more weight. Sadly I don’t have one, so I just remind myself that not eating will, in the end, make me lose more weight. I am excited and scared to check it out, I’ll be happy to have lost some, but scared it will be the same and way too heavy. Sometimes I get glimpses of what’s really true – a body on it’s way to being ugly. Nobody should like a body where ribs stand out. But I still want to get thinner, and after a meal I feel disgusted, sick, I want to throw up and I can only see a stomach that is big, ugly and fat.
When I lay down to sleep at night, I can feel the bones sticking out on my hips, knees knuckling together. It’s difficult finding a good position where none of my bones feel hard against each other or the mattress. But it feels good too, and that scares me. It means I’m not too fat.
I obviously have a problem, and even though realizing it yourself is the first step to get better, I still need help. I might be having a good period right now, because I just realized how screwed up this all is, and that I don’t want to be that person I am, but in the end I know how fast it can get bad again. And if it’s like the last times, worse every time I suddenly stop eating, I’m not sure what could happen. It’s sneaking up on me, a horrid circle with a black hole dragging me in to it, and this time I don’t think I can get through it on my own. Even though I really want to.
But I have to be honest with myself, I have to accept it. It feels like failure, I’m scared you will be mad and hate me because I am letting you down – but I need help to get through this. I really do…