Stop it, would you?

by Line

› In just one week I’ve spent all of my internet capacity (which is kind of a good thing because I really have to study for those exams..), and that means that it’ll probably be quiet here for a while. Some days I might go home to my parents to write if I feel like it, but most of the time I’m guessing not. I’ll get an “internet-refill” the first of May just like every other month, and of course I’ll make sure to update you on how my exams went when they’re over. In the meantime, this is the post that will stay on top, and I hope you’ll take your time to read it;

For the last two weeks, every person I’ve met that I haven’t seen in a while has greeted me with this; Oh my god, you’re skinny! When did you get so thin? Don’t get any thinner, please?! and all I want to scream in their faces is yes I f**king know, okay!? But instead, I calmly say yes and explain that yes I eat, but I never get full, I might go to the doctor to see if something’s wrong, I might not eat as well as I should but it’s getting better, but I’ve started walking more .. and the explaining goes on while I see worry build up in their faces.

In some way I feel like I’m lying when I tell them that I eat, because even though I do eat I feel like it’s probably not enough – but I eat so much better now than what I did! I might not eat much, but I eat something at least three times a day now, and that’s so much more than I used to. Where were you in for example October, when I on my birthday just stayed in bed all day starving not answering any texts because I was depressed and hungry? Where were you in November, December and January, when eating was my most painful issue and I couldn’t look at myself in a mirror? Where were you when all I ate for two or three days was one or two slices of bread? Where were you when I pleaded for help and said that this isn’t something I can go through alone?

I am happier now, I start my day with a slice of bread, and before noon I’ve most days eaten two more, and often I make myself some oatmeal too. I eat bananas, I drink chocolate milk (because I’ve told that it’s a lot of energy in it even though it’s probably not healthy), I have yoghurt, I eat nuts. And I eat dinner, yes some days it’s only two slices of bread, or a portion of oatmeal if I didn’t have it for breakfast or lunch, but I eat dinner. Today I even had a full meal. Friday and Saturday I had dinner. Tomorrow I’ll make myself some dinner. Before I go to bed tonight I’ll eat at least a yoghurt. And I don’t feel as depressed as I used too, so why now? 

It’s getting on my nerves, and I feel like an anorectic skeleton who’s afraid to greet summer and bikini season. I look at myself in the mirror and I’m not ashamed, but because of you’re comments I’m looking for faults. I can’t see it, but I know I’ve lost weight. I’ve gone down at least two sizes since October, and it’s not healthy. My hip bones are sticking out. My pants are hanging. I’m starting to feel ugly, will people look at me at the beach and feel sorry for me because I obviously have an eating disorder? One that I’m not aware of myself?

Because like I just said, I am (or at least I feel like I am) getting better. I know that I eat more. I know that my mood is raising. And I don’t know why the hell I’m still losing weight, okay?

Today I found myself crying while doing the dishes, and I couldn’t figure out why. I thought and thought and couldn’t come to any useful conclusion, but then I remember how I started my day. With explaining why I am getting so skinny, or trying to avoid the question and giving an answer that will shut the others’ mouth. It’s not your fault for noticing and caring and worrying and wanting me to be okay, but keeping on asking and asking won’t do me any good. I’m trying to get out of this mess, and so far I’ve experienced that time and persistence on my part helps. I’m better, aren’t I? Yes.

So please stop commenting on my freaking weight!!